Doubting the Future but Trusting in God
Hey friends,
Today I wanted to take a second to be vulnerable, because life has been… well “Life-ing.” While my life has become more stabilized compared to where I was a year ago today, I would be lying if I stated that I am happy with where I am at this point. On one hand I am content- I have amazing friends that I get to see more often, I am reconnected with my family and spending more time with them than ever, I have a stable source of income, and a roof over my head. On the other hand, however, I cannot help but feel unfulfilled in my life.
I am simply not where I pictured myself to be.
To begin, I am working for my dad while also living with him. And while I am SOO grateful for the work he provided me with and for him giving me a place to stay free of charge until I get back on my feet, I miss feeling more self-sufficient. I miss the classic 8-to-5 lifestyle with a solid routine (since I work from home now it has led to a lack of separation of work and home which has put a hamper on my sense of routines). I miss my own personal space - half of my belongings are currently in storage simply because I lack the space; I miss being able to decorate with my own apartment with my own belongings, and I miss decorating for holidays and different seasons; I miss cooking and baking in my own kitchen; I miss the privacy and comfort of being alone. I miss having friends over all the time; I just miss a lot of things in this time of my life. (Again, I am not ungrateful for what I have, but that does not mean that I can’t miss what I used to have.)
I have been struggling to accomplish my own personal career goals (which I will not be fully diving into currently). And the future of my career has been a burden on my mind very heavily here lately. I graduated from Texas A&M University with a bachelor’s degree, and while I technically have the title of an office manager, I can’t help but to feel as if I am not using my degree- making my blood, sweat, tears, and hours of work that I put in feel worthless. And yeah, yeah, I know that it wasn’t, but some days it simply sucks not being able to start my long-term career straight out of college due to financial, physical, and mental setbacks.
Young me simply thought that I would be further in life than I am right now.
I mean, shoot, 16-year-old me thought I would be in law school, married, preparing to have my first babies soon at this point- but man was she wrong. (Let’s not even get into how all of that is looking at this point because that’s a gloomy look LOL. Some things simply meant to happen within our own plannings.)
But when I look at the grand scheme of things- I question what 23-year-old has everything in life figured out.
My sister sent me a Tik Tok the other day that brought great comfort to me. It said:
“The average age to get married is around 28-31, not 20. 30 is the average age to have your first child, not 22. Career earnings tend to peak in 40s & 50s, not 28. Self esteem tends to peak around age 60, not 21. The average retirement age is 62, not 35.”
How silly of me to feel behind when I am not even to these average ages yet! And better yet, how silly of me the feel ‘behind’ when everyone is on their own life path!
While I may not have my ‘life’ figured out, one thing that I do have figured out is my love for Christ. My faith. My religion. And how beautiful is that!
I have been routinely reading my bible and praying every day, and this alone has been bringing me more comfort than I could ever imagine. I have just been praying for God to guide me down the path He wants me to take part in. I have been praying for him to give me patience during this ‘waiting period’ I have entered in life. And most of all, I have been praying for him to give me childlike faith and for me to be capable of giving him my unwavering trust.
At my cousin’s wedding, Cody shared a verse with me that has been sitting heavy on my heart. James 1:12 reads:
“Blessed in the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”
This verse has been a reminder to me to continue to stand through the test of time and to continue fighting every day because one day things will get better; and more importantly, one day I will get to reign in Heaven with my God.
Yes, I have been struggling. But I am putting my worries aside; I will no longer doubt my future. Instead, I will trust in the Lord with all my heart that He will walk with me every step of the way. I am just 23-year-old girl, who is not behind in life, and rather, I am right where God wants me to be. I am trusting that everything happens for a reason, that He has a greater plan for me, and that with my patience, He will bless me through my faithfulness.
To all of those out there feeling like they are falling behind, I encourage you to simply put your trust in God and let Him do the work!
Bye for now friends!
Jess C
